Disguised to Ourselves
by wayward-river
Summary: Rukia often wonders what goes on behind Byakuya's cold, impassive face. Rukia-centric, mentions of Byakuya, others.


We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld.

* * *

><p>Rukia often wonders what goes on behind Byakuya's calm, impassive face.<p>

This thought is a frequent and much debated one. Rukia believes it's two things: his honor, and his family name. Never does she consider herself, nor anyone else, as even a passing thought in his mind.

His face is a mask, as is her own.

Each morning begins the same; they meet at the breakfast table, both in uniform, straight-backed and tense. They speak only when the food is brought out. He asks how she slept the night before. Well, she says, and they fall silent again, until the food is gone and he leaves for the Squad Six barracks. The servants look to her with pitying eyes as she leaves soon after.

Only with Kaien can Rukia be herself, until she returns to the manor in the evenings, and her mask falls back into place.

It feels as if she should have a Hollow hole in her chest, where family and love should be – but nothing is there.

* * *

><p>She has not spoken to Renji in many years.<p>

She still remembers how his hand felt gripping her own. It was warm and sure, as it had always been, but his smile was cold, lacking feeling. Telling him she was being adopted by the Kuchiki clan was the hardest thing Rukia had ever done.

Rukia hopes he didn't see her cry as she left.

Now, she knows he's a member of Squad Five, and will transfer to another Squad shortly. Rukia is happy for Renji's success, and wishes she could tell him so, but the memory of his face pains her too much to see him again. He is not completely innocent either; not once has he made an attempt to contact her, and it's then that Rukia curses her name and rank.

In that sense, her relationship isn't unlike she and Byakuya's; they are silent.

* * *

><p>On the day of Kaien's funeral, Byakuya goes in her place.<p>

Rukia spends the day in her room, tossing in bed, unable to sleep. A terrible guilt eats away at her, inside and out. She can't close her eyes without seeing Kaien's colorless, demonic face. The servants deliver her meals, which she never finishes.

Though others tell her Byakuya has gone in her stead out of concern, Rukia knows they lie. With the guilt comes a new realization; that Rukia herself is undeserving of love or kindness, and whatever she thought Byakuya Kuchiki may have felt for her was a delusion.

Many nights, when she wakes from another nightmare, Rukia feels Byakuya's spiritual energy nearby, but it's quickly gone.

* * *

><p>Rukia doesn't know what he wants from her; to be a sister, or a living statue?<p>

Fifteen years after Kaien's death, Rukia is still unsure of what her true purpose is. Although she's achieved Shikai, she remains an unseated officer of Squad Thirteen, a foot soldier of no importance. She is known only for her name and the beauty of her blade.

Sitting at the breakfast table, Rukia eats alone. Her elder brother has left early to dispatch Hollows near Rukongai. She eats in contentment, relaxed without the weight of their silence on her shoulders. These few moments by herself are peaceful, however short they are.

Rukia finds it ironic, and a little sad, that she's most comfortable without her elder brother around. It's sad because she knows that a brother and sister shouldn't be so relieved to be rid of one another. Despite his coldness, Rukia knows that Byakuya is a man like any other, and that, perhaps, he wears a mask like her own.

For the first time, she wonders what place she has in his life.

* * *

><p>When she meets Ichigo Kurosaki in the Living World, Rukia is introduced to what a brother is.<p>

Ichigo shows her that a brother is a friend and companion, a defender, a hero. He shows her that brothers and sisters can fight without being cruel, and that little sisters can be pests, sometimes. Brothers can, too.

Byakuya Kuchiki is none of these things to her; he is neither a defender nor a hero, much less a friend. She equates his companionship to a giant, threatening iceberg. Though she is frustrated by his lack of emotion or care, Rukia doesn't think of him as an annoyance. He is just _Byakuya Kuchiki_, leader of the Kuchiki clan, Captain of the Sixth Division, and her adoptive brother, who really isn't a brother.

He isn't a brother like Ichigo is. As the months go by, Rukia learns what a family is, and has never felt more welcomed by anyone. (Even if Isshin's bothersome flirting makes her want to hit things).

* * *

><p>As he carries her away from Aizen, Rukia can hear Renji's heart thundering.<p>

Her face is pressed against his chest, arms around his neck. Sweat rolls down his cheeks and he's out of breath. His grip on her is steady and tight enough to be painful, as if he's afraid she'll simply disappear. Rukia clings to him like she never has before.

She tilts her head to look at his face, so near to her own she can make out the flecks of amber in his eyes. He looks to her and grins; it's weary, not forced. They do not speak.

This once, Rukia is thankful for their silence.

* * *

><p>After Aizen's betrayal, Byakuya and Rukia begin to build their siblinghood, however slowly.<p>

Rukia can't see it, but she knows there is a scar near his heart, where Gin's blade pierced him, and not her. She wonders how much it hurt, to be wounded so near the heart, but knows already; Byakuya Kuchiki was wounded far before Gin's blade ever touched him.

Rukia knows the pain of loss. For him to have bore it for so many years, it's unsurprising to her now how that made Byakuya who he is. She was wrong all along; his hesitance to form a bond with her was out of fear, not unkindness. It makes sense to her, after all, once burned, why risk being burned again?

Now, they sit at the breakfast table, as they do each morning. Their conversations are slowly becoming longer, though he's more hesitant than she. Rukia finds this trait oddly endearing, his subtle manner and quiet words. She now looks forward to their conversations.

She wishes him a good day at work for the first time since her adoption. He nods, and wishes her the same. Rukia smiles and watches him go.

All this time, they have been wearing masks, disguising themselves to one another, and Rukia wishes they hadn't.


End file.
